A 10 month journey

Huh You just found out you are pregnant. Wow. You are feeling so elated and surprised and shocked and nervous all at once. You are wondering how your family and friends will respond. You can’t wait to tell your husband! You are practically bursting at the seams to let it out.

Over the next 9 months, you will go through a whirlwind of emotions. The first 3 months will be very hard on you. You will be so incredibly nauseous and sick. It will take every ounce of strength you have just to get up and go to work! You will take naps in the car in between clients just to rest your body for a moment. It is a type of exhaustion that you’ve never experienced before. Its like your whole body is being drained (or maybe like you are making a human ;)). You don’t like being babied because you believe you are strong and capable, but to be honest, all you want is someone to hug you and tell you that they understand how hard it is. There are many nights where you cry yourself to sleep because you can’t imagine how you will go one more day feeling so awful. Food tastes horrible, you throw up, you faint from lack of iron, & you just don’t feel yourself at all these days. But you still wake up every morning, get dressed, and go to work. You are an amazing woman. Maybe it feels like you aren’t doing enough, but you are. You are doing an incredible job.

I know it doesn’t seem like it, but soon you will feel the fog lift. One day you will wake up and not feel so sick. You will start to feel a little bit more yourself. Soon you will have a little bump and even though it is SO small compared to what it will be, you will feel like you are huge! You will make your husband take hundreds of photos of your belly because you are just so excited that you look pregnant. The most exciting thing right now is wondering if you are having a boy or girl. Oh the dreams… laying in bed with your husband and wondering about your new future. What will he/she be like?!

Now that you have started to feel better, you look forward to planning and making lists. That is just the kind of person you are. You like to feel in control of things because that makes you feel safe. But there will be many times in the future where you will not have control. Like when you find out you have the chicken pox and you have to go to the hospital for 3 days. You don’t know if your baby is okay. They take your blood so much and do tests on your heart and chest. You feel so afraid and out of sorts. What is happening? Why is it happening to me? The anxiety begins to sneak into your mind and causes you to worry and lose sleep. In the next few weeks, you will have a very hard time. You feel anxiety attacks often. You can’t sleep because you have horrible nightmares. You imagine the worst case scenario. Every little symptom results in a frantic google search wondering what disease you have and if your baby will be okay. You are frantic about how to protect him when he’s born. You don’t even want anyone to hold him because you are just so scared of something happening! The control is slipping away from you and you don’t know how to manage it.

Please don’t do this. I wish I could hold you and beg you to stop. To take a breath. You are okay. Your baby is okay. I know it is so scary to feel like you can’t protect your child from everything that this life brings. You just want some assurance, some security. But the only security comes from trust. You aren’t crazy. You’re heart is to love your child. Your heart is the heart of a mother. And maybe it feels like people judge your feelings or don’t understand, but it’s okay. It’s okay that you struggle & it’s okay that you are wrestling with these things. These months of pregnancy are a little taste of being a parent. People forget how hard it is to go from being a free woman, to being a mother in just 9 short months. For some, it is an easier transition. For others, it’s more challenging.

But just know, the hormones and anxiety will start to fade. Through the worries and restless nights, you will begin to develop your trust in yourself. You will begin to believe that God entrusted this baby to you for a reason. That you are enough. That you have what it takes to grow and raise a human being.

I’m almost on the other side of this 10 month journey now. I’m days away from having the boy of my dreams. I’ve given him my heart, my body, my soul, my everything. He has every part of me and he doesn’t even know it. I would die for him in a second. I would do absolutely anything to give him the best shot at life. Growing him has broken me and build me back up again.

Nicole, you are strong. There is nothing you cannot handle. You don’t know everything and you never will. Put down the books and the computer, drown out the opinions and judgments of others. Stop questioning and second guessing yourself. When all is said and done, you will do the best you can & trust in God to take care of the millions of things you CAN. NOT. CONTROL.

You are about to embark on the journey of a lifetime. Believe in yourself and enjoy it.

And in case no one tells you, Good job. You did amazing. You made it! You made it through your first pregnancy. You will kick so much ass in labor and parenthood. I’m proud of you. A new chapter begins. One where you are a mother to Benjamin Grey Durnwald. You’ve got this.

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